Condemned
by halcyon-sunnydays
Summary: Hinata blames herself for Neji's death.


Hinata stared straight ahead of her, paralyzed and unable to utter a word. Too shocked, too horrified and disgusted with herself to move even an inch from where she was kneeling. Everything become hazy, smells and sounds meshed together in an incomprehensible heap.

She wanted to throw up.

The destruction carried on around her, enveloping her in cries, gutturals of pain and that revolting squelching sound of blood. She smelled it around her; it was all over her and _ohgoditwashisblood._

_ItsnotfairItsnotfair _she chanted like a mantra, as if somehow that could miraculously bring him back. Life had already proven to be unfair so many times before. It seemed as though, life was unforgiving. Hinata saw the beginnings of her crumbling world and she wondered how many more times this would happen before it destroyed her, until the bloodshed would stop.

She didn't hear or feel the sobs that wracked her body, nor her father and countless other voices yelling at her to move. He was dead, and it was all her fault. It was all that mattered at the moment, there was no sense of urgency for her, she didn't deserve to live.

She remembered how they used to play with each other, his gentle smiles and reassurances , and she thought how wonderful it was to have a brother.

"_Neji-nissan?" Hinata questioned, her chubby hands reaching out to tug on the end of her cousins yukata._

"_Yes?" he asked, humoring her as he dutifully trained, attempting to master a technique his father had shown him just the day before._

"_W-Why do you protect me?" she inquired, head down and face blushing. She wasn't sure whether she should ask and the stretching silence only seemed to validate that worry. She peeked up through her bangs as she heard a chuckle, and quickly ducked her head, only to be met with a slightly larger hand ruffling her hair. She pouted as she thought about how long it had taken to put together. _

_Neji stepped closer to her, a gentle smile tugging at his face as he repressed a laugh at his cute cousin. He remained thoughtful as he studied her._

"_I suppose" he started glancing at something above her head, acquiring a faraway look in his eye._

"_That it is the branch families responsibility and honor to protect the main part of the Hyuga clan" He stated, and he could see Hinata's dejected face, and the welling tears in her eyes._

"_But" he continued. "I wish to see Hinata-sama happy, safe and strong. I wish to see her smile, to see her with friends and to see her with her family, enjoying life. I wish to protect her because she is dear to me." He finished._

_Hinata finally glanced up to judge whether her cousin was telling the truth, and smiled. Neji thought he had never seen something so beautiful._

She remembered when he spat at her, furious anger written across his face as he cursed the main house for existing. She remembered his cold insults, and she remembered his absolute hatred for her.

She remembered his first smile after the Chunin exams, tentative and awkward. She remembered their first conversation after naruto's intervention, his almost-apologetic and accepting demeanor.

Memories began to swirl into one and another, and she could hardly distinguish them from reality. She felt stinging and a white-hot flash of pain lance up her arm. She briefly wondered if she had been impaled by one of the tails, and then she realized she didn't care.

She heard more frantic yelling and she felt someone attempting to pull her off of neji's massacred body, and she screamed and screamed bloody murder. She screamed until her voice went raw, she screamed until nothing came out but air. She was not leaving his side, he didn't deserve to die like this.

He was supposed to be strong , a genius. It wasn't fair that in war, someone so strong could be defeated so quickly. She rocked them both slowly, tears still streaming down her face, and she thought "if only I was stronger". And she _hatedhatedhated _herself , oh how she hated herself. Self-loathing was always present , but this new self-loathing teared and ripped her apart and she questioned again if there would be anything left to put back together after this.

She glanced at Neji's face caked with blood, dirt and tears. Her tears, but she wished they were his, and she was in his place. She would never stop blaming herself.

A piece of her died that day.

* * *

I don't know why but Neji's death hit me pretty hard. I only just started to like his character when kishimoto killed him off. He seemed so solid , I never even considered his death. Why, Kishomoto?


End file.
